Pertinent Links
Starry Night’s Guide to BDSM, Part One: What is Dominance & Submission
Important Terms
For the purposes of this piece I’ll be using the terms Dominant and Submissive to generally reflect a broad spectrum of BDSM engagement ranging from those who engage in scenes (Top/Bottoms) to those who engage in DD/Lg to those who engage in M/s. If you’re confused as to the difference please refer to my Guide to Dominance and Submission which will help to define those terms for you. Regardless of whether you’re engaging in a scene or a relationship however, the information provided will be pertinent to all forms of BDSM engagement.
Preface
In the world of BDSM there are a few acronyms that are used to describe the way in which responsible practitioners of the art engage with one another. The oldest and likely most well known is S.S.C. (Safe, Sane, & Consensual). Others acronyms have also come into common usage in the past decade such as R.A.C.K. (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) and P.R.I.C.K. (Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink). While all of the terms differ slightly, they all aim to cover the same basic concepts: namely that engaging in Kink is inherently risky, and that it needs to be engaged in intelligently and consensually. While each practitioner will have their preference for one acronym over another, there is one word that is present in all three:
Consent.
That’s no accident.
Consent is Everything
On a purely ethical level, consent is fundamental bedrock of what separates something being done out of love and passion, from abuse and cruelty. As such having a thorough discussion of this multifaceted and critical dialectic is an imperative. For those who don’t understand BDSM, this is often their moralizing struggle: they can’t comprehend that someone may passionately desire to be led, or that they may derive great pleasure from pain. In the world of Psychology the DSM V (Diagnostic Service Manual, 5th Edition) differentiates between what is and is not a mental health disorder (as it pertains to sadism/masochism) based almost exclusively on one thing: consent.
What’s more, in many (though not all!) places consent is the legal basis that separates consensual BDSM from criminality. Consent is what separates lover from rapist; sadomasochism from assault or abuse; bondage from kidnapping.
Consent Prevents
- Consent prevents pain.
- Consent prevents miscommunication.
- Consent prevents misunderstandings.
Consent Protects
- Consent protects people from suffering abuse.
- Consent protects people from being labeled as abusers.
Consent Builds
- Consent builds trust.
- Consent builds comfort.
- Consent builds understanding.
- Consent builds powerful relationships.
Consent Is Sexy
- Consent allows you to grow together.
- Consent allows you explore your boundaries.
- Consent allows you to build excitement and anticipation.
- Consent allows you to communicate openly about risqué subjects.
- Consent allows you access to parts of another person no one else gets to see.
Consent and THE LAW
While legal statutes that define the scope of legality of BDSM vary from country to country – and within the United States, from state to state – non-consensual behavior of any kind is almost always illegal.
Within the more organized world of BDSM communities, it is often noted at events that most states (within the United States) are what’s known as Non-Consent States. A Non-Consent State, legally speaking, is one in which consent alone does not protect someone from the threat of prosecution.
IE: It is possible (no matter how highly unlikely) that you could face criminal prosecution or civil litigation for actions that had been fully consented to, even if that consent is written. The law in most places does not distinguish between a consensual beating and a non-consensual beating: they can both be prosecuted as assault or domestic violence. The law would not distinguish between someone being abducted and someone being consensually engaged in rope bondage: the law could prosecute both as kidnapping.
That being said, those engaging in highly negotiated, codified, consensual BDSM should rest easy: there have been no successful prospections, and as far as I can tell, no instances of charges being filed against anyone engaging in CONSENSUAL BDSM. The handful of cases that have been prosecuted have only occurred in situations where a party claimed to be aggrieved or to have suffered non-consensual acts.
It should also be noted while I fully encourage anyone engaging in BDSM, whether it is for the purposes of a scene or a relationship, to draft a thorough BDSM Contract/Agreement, these documents are extralegal and non-binding. These agreements neither grant you legal authority, nor offer you the protection of the law. Still they are useful, and indeed powerful tools that can help serve as a guide for your relationship.
There are two really great articles I would recommend regarding BDSM, consent, and the law.
Consent Is The Cure For Your Cognitive Dissonance
“Believe me, Eugenie, the words “vice” and “virtue” supply us only with local meanings. There is no action, however bizarre you may picture it, that is truly criminal; or one that can really be called virtuous. Everything depends on our customs and on the climates we live in. What is considered a crime here is often a virtue a few hundred leagues away; and the virtues of another hemisphere might, quite conversely, be regarded as crimes among us. There is no atrocity that hasn’t been deified, no virtue that hasn’t been stigmatized.”
~ Marquis De Sade
Wherever a person may come from, whatever their background may be, they are colored by the rules, laws, and customs that their society is governed by. As societies we operate best when we adhere to a given set of laws: they provide a moral certainty to our world that gives rise to order and a degree of safety, and in democratic systems, those laws are typically broadly representative of those governed by these laws.
It is a good thing that we know, for example, who has the right of way at a stop light. It keeps traffic flowing smoothly, and people from getting killed. Good laws. And while all nations have traffic laws, not every nation has the same traffic laws. That’s because what is “right” is relative to the people of that nation.
For the most part, while we may think another nations traffic laws are silly (or that our own are somehow superior) we can easily accept the need for these kinds of laws. However, even on the most extreme fringes – say with laws regarding homicide – societies agonize to find broad acceptance for when it is justifiable to take another human beings life, because no matter how much we might believe something to be a universal truth, it rarely is. Virtually all morality, even at the extremes, can be challenged with surprising ease.
Almost by definition, BDSM relationships play delightfully on the edges of our societies comfort zones. In a world that increasingly advocates for non-violence, equality, and positivity (all good things!) BDSM can appear to be a world that exists beyond these realms, appealing to our darker desires and baser natures. Within BDSM we have the opportunity to explore countless taboo subjects. It is a place where shame, power, inequality, inferiority, desire, sadism, masochism, lust, and passion intertwine to challenge our notions of comfort and security.
For many people who begin their journeys into BDSM full of conflicting doubts and self-loathing, aggressive consent is the ready-made the cure to their emotional torment. Whether you’re a sadist wondering if hurting someone makes you a bad person, or you’re a masochist wondering if if wanting to be hurt makes you sick; whether you’re a dominant wondering if desiring power makes you controlling, or you’re a submissive who worries that giving up control makes you weak. Perhaps you’re a man or woman who considers themselves to be an ardent feminist and worry that your desires to engage in BDSM are somehow incongruent with the tenets of feminism. Whatever your issue may be, consent is likely the cure to your cognitive dissonance.
With consent, there are few things that could truly be considered wrong, and many things that society at large deems wrong, can be desirable.
Affirmative Consent & Limits
In 2015 the State of California made the audacious step of becoming the first state in the Union to pass an Affirmative Consent bill (CA S.B. 967), ensuring it would be the first state to enshrine the concept of “only yes means yes.” While hotly debated and decried by many as too cumbersome and impractical, the truth is that forward thinking California was only catching up to concepts that the world of BDSM has embraced since it’s inceptions.
By practicing Affirmative Consent in our relationships, we ensure that all parties get everything they want, and nothing they don’t. Let’s talk about what that means in a practical sense from the standpoint of categories available for selection on a BDSM Checklist (more on these later). While all checklists will vary to some degree in how they categorize levels of acceptance there are generally speaking five levels acceptance:
Hard Limit: When someone defines a subject as a Hard Limit they are stating flatly not only that they will not under any circumstances engage in this activity, but that they will not even discuss this behavior. Once a behavior has been labeled a Hard Limit, the act of trying to talk someone into it by itself can be considered a Consent Violation, and certainly trying to pressure someone into engaging in it would be considered Consent Abuse.
Soft Limit: When someone defines an activity as a Soft Limit they are stating that they will not under any circumstances engage in this activity. They may however be willing to discuss the activity, however just as with Hard Limits, they should still not in any way be pressured to engage in the activity, and doing so would constitute Consent Abuse.
No: While a “No” itself should be quite self-explanatory, it differentiates itself from a Limit by allowing the two parties to openly discuss, and potentially even fantasize about the activity. However, just as with limits, trying to persuade someone to engage in this activity would be consider Consent Abuse.
Maybe: A maybe is an activity that the participant might be willing to engage in under certain circumstances or at a certain time. A maybe is not an invitation to engage in this activity, it is an invitation to discuss the potential of engaging this activity. Until both parties have provided Affirmative Consent to the activity (both have said YES), a maybe is still a no, and engaging in the activity without that consent is still a Consent Violation, and potentially a crime.
Yes: Yes is the only thing that means yes, and even then it’s important to understand that a yes only pertains to a narrow definition of a given activity. A submissive may agree to having a hand on their throat, but that does not necessarily mean that they are consenting to asphyxiation. The same holds true for impact play: saying yes to a canes does not mean that someone is ok with canes of all types and to all degrees. Saying yes to power exchange does not mean they are consenting to relinquishing all power. Yes should still be considered only an opportunity to negotiate the degree to which that yes exists.
Consent For Dominants
As a dominant you are accepting the burden of leadership within your relationship, and leadership comes with responsibility. The responsibility of a Dominant Leader within a relationship is to protect, provide, and care for their submissive. One of the chief ways you do this as an effective Dominant Leaders is to always insist on engaging in Affirmative Consent relationships.
Insisting on engaging in only Affirmative Consent relationships will help accomplish two things for the Dominant Leader:
First and most importantly it ensures that you are living up to the standards you claim to hold themselves to. It is a clear display of your integrity, your intent, and your actions. It is a deliverable. By taking the time to engage in an aggressive process of consent building and negotiation, you are showing your submissive that you care more, that you pay more attention, that you are more invested in your submissive than anyone else they’ve ever known.
These are powerful actions that differentiate the Dominant Leader from the common person. They are a demarcation line between a vanilla relationship and a D/s relationship. As I’ve stated many times before, dominance and submission isn’t about great, rough, kinky sex: I assure you, you can have great sex outside of a D/s relationship. Dominance and submission are built on greater, more meaningful things, and Affirmative Consent is chief amongst them.
The second reason for taking consent seriously is that it protects the Dominant. Traditionally BDSM has had a reputation amongst the ill informed as being ‘scary’ or ‘dangerous.’ The outsider sees a world in which people get beat or suffer in ‘controlling’ relationships. This of course couldn’t be further from the truth of what a consensual D/s relationship is. By insisting on Affirmative Consent, the dominant ensures that they’re never engaging in behavior that could possibly be considered unethical. That nothing they do could possibly be construed as abusive or harmful.
- As a dominant it is your responsibility to lead your relationship: That means being the one to bring up consent and negotiation and ensure it happens before engaging in BDSM activities – don’t wait for your submissive to bring up the subject.
- As a dominant you have a right to insist on not engaging in activities until consent has been obtained. If something were to happen that your submissive hadn’t consented to, you could be opening yourself up to serious legal ramifications. Protect yourself.
- As a dominant you may not in any way attempt to influence the degree of consent a submissive is willing to give. Suggesting that they try something they do not want to do, encouraging them to do so, threatening or bullying them into doing so – all of these behaviors are by themselves nonconsensual.
- As a dominant you should be vigilant in ensuring that others aren’t engaging in, or being hurt by those who would practice BDSM without consent. Non-consensual behavior is unethical: and unethical behavior is damaging not just to those affected, but also to the broader image of BDSM as a whole.
- As a dominant, obtaining initial consent (having a submissive say “yes”) to a particular activity is only an invitation to ask further questions about the extent to which they are willing to engage in that activity.
- As a dominant you have the right to say NO to something as well. Believe it or not, dominants can have limits too, and if you feel uncomfortable with something you have the right to say so. Whether it’s because an activity doesn’t appeal to you or you feel that you don’t have the experience to practice a given activity safely, you have the right as well as the responsibility to advocate for yourself.
Consent For Submissives
While any dominant worth their salt should demonstrate their leadership skills and BDSM savvy by insisting on only engaging in activities that have been fully negotiated and consented to, the responsibility for ensuring that consent is a pre-condition to any engagement lies with both parties.
Before engaging in negotiations about your relationship or giving your consent to any activity invest yourself – your time and your efforts – into gaining an education into these activities. If you have questions ask another submissive of the same sex and sexual orientation. The most attractive submissives are those who are powerful and intelligent enough to lead a BDSM relationship on their own. Being informed and strong is sexy.
- As a submissive you have the right to expect & demand that your dominant will not engage in any behaviors that have not been negotiated and consented to.
- As a submissive if you aren’t comfortable with something: SPEAK UP. You have every right to be heard, and objecting to something that is happening doesn’t make you a bad submissive.
- As a submissive know that agreeing to a certain action does not mean that you cannot set boundaries to that consent.
- As a submissive you have the right to withdraw consent at any time and for any reason.
- As a submissive if you encounter a dominant, or someone claiming to be a dominant who suggests or acts in a way that hasn’t been agreed to in advance, you have a right to leave that situation, and a right to report that situation. Non-consensual behavior is unethical: and unethical behavior is damaging not just to you, but potentially to others and the broader image of BDSM as a whole.
Consent INC.
“Be as passionate about your work as you are your lovers; be as professional about your romance as you are your work.”
~StarryNight
Informed
In the medical field there is a term in common usage called, “Informed Consent.” The idea is simple: As a patient, your provider cannot take any course of action or perform any procedure without first informing you of the potential risks and consequences of taking that action, informing you of other potential courses of action, and then obtaining Affirmative Consent for that specific course of action.
In applying that same important concept to BDSM, we need to know what we’re talking about. In applying the concept of Informed Consent to BDSM let us exchange the term ‘provider’ for ‘dominant’ and ‘patient’ for ‘submissive.’ What this means is that the submissive has the right to know exactly what is happening to them and to know that the dominant performing that activity with them is both trained and qualified to do so – or if they are not that the submissive has the right to know that they are practicing this activity with a novice.
A couple of examples:
- Wax play can be amazing form of sensation play, tantalizing and tactile. However, there are different types of wax and they have different melting points. Knowing that paraffin melts at ~135º (or less) and wont burn your submissive/bottom is important information that a informed dominant should have. If they were to use a common household candle which could melt at 180º or more and they burn their submissive, that’s a dangerous, and potentially harmful action. Other candles may contain oils that can trigger allergic reactions. These are things that need to be researched, understood, and communicated before an activity is ever engaged in.
- The use of a whip can provide an intense form of impact play, but it can also be quite dangerous. A skilled whipster will know that there are dozens of different types of whips made of different materials (paracord, leather, etc…), in different lengths, and with different tails – all of which present unique experiences for their submissives and challenges for the throwers. Learning how to throw a whip with true precision, or to create the terrifying (or titillating, depending on your point of view) crack, is something that is only mastered by having thrown a whip thousands of times. As a new dominant I was taught that if you can’t turn off a light switch from six feet on the first throw – you aren’t ready to throw. That’s because a whip can cause serious injury if it were to land somewhere unsafe – say in someone’s eye. Or if you were to “wrap you tails,” meaning that instead of the tail of the whip landing flush against a flat surface, it were wrapped around the edge of a body (say a shoulder blade) where centripetal force would propel those same tails to a speed that could rip skin apart.
It is not enough to simply have consent to an action: that action must be informed and understood by both parties. It’s imperative that both parties do their homework and educate themselves about the activities they want to engage in and that they discuss any potential side effects, or dangers that may arise from that activity before doing so. Additionally, a dominant must not be engaging in activities that could harm a submissive if they are not adequately trained and prepared to do so. If they are inexperienced they need to communicate that to their submissive and find ways to practice together safely.
Negotiated
As stated earlier in this piece, it is not enough to simply understand what a party (submissive or dominant) is willing to engage in. We must also ascertain the scope and degree to which they want to engage in that activity. Determining these things requires us to engage in effective questioning:
Within a dominant and submissive (D/s) relationship, negotiating power exchange is of critical importance and it’s crucial that both parties be upfront about exactly how much power they’re looking to either give, or accept responsibility for, and to be crystal clear on what that means.
For example, the idea of consensual slavery (24/7 TPE) may sound appealing, but as a dominant – or to use proper terminology, Master – are you really prepared to accept responsibility for making virtually every decision in your slave’s life? Deciding what they wear every day, what they eat, how they’re to act, and maintaining a potentially high degree of protocol? That’s a lot of work. And are you as a submissive truly prepared to relinquish that degree of power over the control of your own life?
When entering into a new relationship and negotiating your first Relationship Agreement (see below for more on this), it’s wise to stick to the things that are well within your mutual comfort zones. You can always renegotiate the terms of your agreement to include newer, more challenging concepts as your relationship grows and evolves.
When it comes to a specific kink activity, let’s use the aforementioned example of choking for the purpose of illustrating how we effectively negotiate desire, scope, and degree.
- How interested in this are they? Is it a passive interest, a genuine curiosity, a passion?
- Is it something they’ve tried before? If so, did they enjoy it, love it, hate it? If they loved it, why? If they hated it, why?
- What is it that they’re drawn to about the experience? Are they connecting with the fear, the feeling of being small or helpless? Understanding WHY someone wants something is every bit as important, if not more important, than simply knowing that they want it.
- In what ways do they want to experience this? Do they want a hand on their throat with no pressure applied? Do they want to actually experience airway constriction? What about true asphyxiation?
- How often do they want to have this happen? Should you be doing it when you kiss them? When you have sex? Casually around the house?
Take the time to get more than just a simple “yes.” Invest yourself into truly knowing and understanding your partner, what they want, what they need, and most importantly – WHY.
Codified
A key component in ensuring consent is getting it in writing. There are two key documents that assist us in this lifestyle.
The first is what’s known as a BDSM Checklist. A quick Google search of the term will lead you to many decent ones, but the more comprehensive they are, the better. A BDSM Checklist is a fantastic tool for both dominants and submissives because it will allow you to both track your growth and progress over time, as well as provide a ready-made list of your levels of comfort with different acts that you can share easily with your partner(s). They should be exchanged, discussed, and understood by both parties before ever engaging in a BDSM scene, or a D/s relationship.
A comprehensive list of BDSM checklists can be found on the website, SubmissiveGuide.com
The second is a Relationship Agreement. Traditionally this may be more commonly known as a BDSM Contract, however I eschew the term simply because a contract implies legally binding agreements that cannot, do not, and will not exist within the context of BDSM.
Boiled down to it’s simplest forms, the Relationship Agreement is a tool that allows those engaging in a D/s relationship to lay out the rules that will guide that relationship. What each party needs from one another, how they will conduct themselves in private, in public, and around friends and family. How they will handle and resolve disputes. How they will handle communicating with others. What their limits are, what the rules are, and what the consequences for violating those rules are. Putting together a comprehensive Relationship Agreement can take time and effort, but isn’t ensuring that both you and your partner are getting everything you could desire and all the protection and security they need worth it?
Looking for some help writing your own Relationship Agreement? Check out these interesting links:
Safewords & Safe Signals
Safewords are something that exist for the protection of dominants and submissives alike. They ensure that we are able to remain attentive to our partners and operate within the boundaries of consent. Neglecting to react to a safeword (or safe signal) which is direct sign that one party has called for the action to cease either temporarily or permanently is a direct violation of consent. All parties have the right to assume that upon the use of a safeword the action will cease and they will be promptly provided support and security.
While theoretically any word can be utilized as a safeword, there are two words which are universally accepted within the BDSM community. They are:
- Yellow: Yellow is the term used to communicate that the submissive is either approaching their limit, at their limit, or that they request that the dominant party immediately communicate with the submissive about where they stand. In either case it is the responsibility of the dominant party to immediately cease what they are doing and communicate with their submissive. If after communicating it is determined that the scene can continue, you may do so in an agreed upon way.
- Red: Red is a far less ambiguous term. It is used to communicate that whatever is occurring needs to cease immediately.
In addition to safewords, intelligent BDSM practitioners also utilize safe signals for those times when audible communication may be impossible. For example, if the submissive has a ball-gag in their mouth, or if the dominant is deaf, it would be impossible to use a safeword like “red” or “yellow” in an intelligible manner. Enter safe signals.
Safe Signals may include the dropping of an item held in the hand of the submissive: A frequent one is a small bell or ball that when dropped can either be clearly seen or heard. It could also take the form of “tapping out” – rapping the palm of your hand three times against a surface. In either case the same protocols exist as they do with safewords. Whether the signal is to check in, or to cease all action, Safe Signals need to be respected and adhered to without delay in the same way that Safewords are.
A couple of additional useful tips for safewording:
- Use the safeword more than once, and don’t be afraid to say it loudly. A pilot doesn’t passively throw out a “mayday” call when they’re in danger of crashing, they say it loudly and repeatedly, using the same logic in BDSM is wise “RED, RED, RED!” is more likely to be heard and understood quickly and accurately than meekly whispering it once. If you’re using a safe sign, don’t gently tap your hand, slam it down as hard as you can repeatedly. It’s important not just to communicate, but to communicate for effect.
- When using audible communication signs (safewords) ensure that there is nothing to muffle the sound. If you’re a dominant and you choose, in the moment, to place a ball gag in your submissives mouth, make sure you’re also placing a bell in their hands and that you communicate that to them before you begin playing again. If you’re a submissive who is trying to safeword, don’t do it while screaming into a pillow. Help your partner by ensuring they can hear you clearly.
Safewording Doesn’t Make You A Worse Submissive
I’ve occasionally heard from submissives that they’re afraid of using their safewords. They either want to prove to their dominants who strong they can be for them, or they fear that they may be letting down their dominant partners.
This is absolutely untrue.
There is nothing wrong with using a safeword. They exist to protect us and to help ensure strong communication. No dominant of repute would ever make you feel ashamed of using your safeword. In fact, they’ll be proud of you for doing so and for allowing them to be protective of you. Ethical dominants, no matter how sadistic, always prioritize the health, safety, and happiness of their submissives above all else. Safeword if you need to, they’ll appreciate you and respect you more for it, not less.
“Finding Red” Doesn’t Make You A Worse Dominant
One thing I’ve noticed in my own trials as a dominant – and something I’ve heard from countless others – has been the fear of pushing someone too far, or too hard. Indeed I’m often held back not by willingness to engage in an act, but from a fear of hurting someone too much. When preparing to engage in a scene that I know will challenge my own comfort zones, I occasionally need to step back and remind myself that what I am doing is not only consensual, but indeed it is what my submissive desires. Pushing them harder is what they want, they want to find their limit, and I need to summon the willingness to help them do that. And when we do find that limit, when we “find red,” it’s not a bad thing. We fall back on our training and offer our submissives powerful, loving, attentive aftercare.
There Is No Such Thing As A NO SAFEWORD Relationship
I’ve seen this topic come up more times than I care to remember, so I may as well address it here and now: the concept of engaging in a relationship without safewords.
Let me dispel you of the notion. No-safeword relationships are inherently contradictory to the concepts upon which BDSM is built. While a participant may voluntarily choose not to use a safeword, they always have the right, both legally and ethically, to have their safeword heard and respected.
Everything BDSM stands for is built upon the foundational concepts of safety, trust, and communication, and whether you are a submissive or a dominant, safewords are our firewall. They are our failsafe. They are the thin red line that separates us from safe, safe, and consensual – and violence, abuse, injury, and potentially even death. They protect submissives from injury (physical, mental, or emotional) and they protect the dominant from being ostracized, shunned, or even prosecuted.
Consent Accidents, Consent Violations, & Consent Abuse
In a utopian world there would be no instances in which consent is broken. Unfortunately we don’t live in such a world. We live in a world filled with human being; most well intentioned, but all imperfect. Despite the best of intentions, people make mistakes and issues arise. Sometimes those mistakes arise due to negligence. Other times because of incompetence. Still other times issues arise not because of malice or negligence or incompetence – sometimes imperfect human beings, even those well trained and with much experience make genuine mistakes. Other times “mistakes” aren’t mistakes at all, they’re simply abuse.
Regardless of the reasons why consent is broken, when it occurs it wounds those who’s consent has been violated. And while we should all strive for a world where incidents of consent violation are reduced to the greatest possible extent, we must also aim to properly understand what happened, why it happened, and in doing so, determine the best way forward. With that in mind, it’s important to understand that there are three primary forms of Consent Violation, and they are as follows:
Consent Accidents
While consent is a line that should never be crossed, we must also accept that the activities we engage in are dangerous. An experienced dominant may be highly skilled with a particular instrument, but even skilled operators can have something go wrong: a flogger may miss it’s mark by a couple of inches and strike an area a submissive had labelled as off limits if it’s located in close proximity to an area that was ok to strike. An experienced rigger may run into a situation where despite their best efforts, their rope work pressed on a nerve and caused unintended pain or numbness. A submissive may quite accidentally act in a manner that violates their dominant’s acceptable limits for behavior. A dominant may say something that triggers an undisclosed trigger in their submissive.
Sometimes when we play on the edge, accidents happen quite unintentionally.
These are the dangers inherent in the things that we do, and they differentiate themselves from Consent Violations in an ugly grey area that can be difficult to define. Since we cannot place ourselves into the minds of another person, we cannot ever truly know whether or not someone intended harm. We can however measure how they react when an incident arises. If an incident occurs either in a scene or a relationship that violates consent, but is immediately addressed and corrected when a safeword is used, or a situation is brought up for discussion and reacted to with love and protection and commitment to their pre-existing agreements made by each party: this is most likely a Consent Accident.
Those who respect safewords, communicate effectively, and provide attentive, loving aftercare and learn from their mistakes are generally less likely to be those engaging in Consent Violation.
Consent Violations
Consent Violations can differentiate themselves from Consent Accidents both in how they are handled and how they arose in the first place. A Consent Violation can occur when someone intentionally engages in a behavior that either party has labelled off-limits, coerces someone into engaging in an activity they aren’t comfortable with, or when someone engages in an activity that they have not been properly trained for.
If, for example, a dominant IGNORES a safeword during the same flogging scene mentioned above: this is a Consent Violation as safewords must always be respected. If an individual knowingly engages in a behavior that is unacceptable to either party: these are Consent Violations. If a party misrepresents their level of experience to another party: this is a Consent Violation.
What’s more, engaging in these types of behaviors can be crimes and they can put the affected party into a situation where there limits are not being respected, and they are exposed to physical, emotional, or mental harm.
Consent Abuse
Once someone has labelled an activity as a Soft Limit or a Hard Limit, or they have also labelled the subject off-limits for negotiation. Trying to coerce, manipulate, or guilt another person into doing something that have said NO to is abusive behavior. Limits exist to be respected and regardless of whether you are a Dominant or a Submissive, you deserve to have those limits respected. Never hesitate to stand up for yourself and your right to have your limits respected.
What To Do When You Experience Or Believe You May Have Observed Consent Violations
- If you are the victim of a Consent Violation, you need to report it. Sometimes these violations rise to the level of criminal behavior. While consensual non-consent, and impact play can be intense and enjoyable forms of CONSENSUAL play, they are not covers for rape or violence. If you are someone who has suffered from these times of crimes, or you know of someone who has, you should report them to the police.
- If you feel that you are being victimized by someone – whether that abuse is physical, mental, or emotional – you should seek help from friends and family members, and leave that situation as quickly as possible. Abuse is never ok, and staying with your abuser in the hopes that they will change will not work. Learn to spot the signs of abuse, and leave.
- If you feel that you have suffered criminal abuse, mental, or emotional abuse and you are an active member of your kink community – or you are aware that your abuser is a member of the kink community – you need to speak up. Not just for your safety but for that of others.
- If you are uncertain if what you have been told or have witnessed is abuse, or you have concerns that it may be, you should first discuss those concerns directly with the person you believe might have been victimized. Ideally this conversation should happen in private and in a safe, neutral place where the person can speak freely and without fear. It is vitally important to keep in mind however that sometimes the things we witness at a play party, or hear about from the participants themselves feels like it may be abuse (and indeed it may be) but it’s always best to be certain. Sometimes those things we think are abuse are instead completely consensual acts that both parties enjoy and the last thing we’d want to do is start making allegations of abuse that could harm the reputations of others. You may also choose to discuss this with people you trust in the kink community if you have ongoing concerns after speaking directly with those involved.
Postscript
My writing, like myself, is always a work in progress. If you have a way to help me improve either please let me know via the MESSAGE function.
Have a question or topic you’d like to have me write about? Please let me know via the ASK function. That way I can share the answer with others. Remember, if you’re asking, you’re almost certainly not the first to have had the question.
Want to tell me how amazing I/my writing is and pump up my already preposterously overinflated ego? Let me know via the ASK function. That way I can shamelessly show others that people think I’m awesome. I’m vain like that after all. Fuck it, serotonin feels good.
Acknowledgements
Thank you to all of my mentors over the years who’ve helped guide me on my path. I appreciate all the wisdom you’ve been kind enough to share with me. To all the submissives who’ve invested their time into relationships with me: thank you, you’ve made me a better dominant and a better man.
Special thanks to those who helped proofread this post before it went out:
A very special thank you to @eatmyprettykitty for all of your kindness, love and support over the past two years. You’re an amazing friend.
MindlessFucktoy 