This right here. ^^^ The money shot: “something other than “the mood” is motivating sex.” In the D/s world, saying “I’m not in the mood for X” (with X being any aspect of the dynamic, not just sex) is not withdrawing consent. Using one’s safeword (in any aspect of the dynamic, not just sex) is withdrawing consent. And it is an unconditional and non negotiable withdrawal of consent.
There are few things more tedious than some random tourist from the vanilla side of the tracks wandering into the D/s world and trying to school the inhabitants on how D/s should work the same as things work in vanilla relationships. My friend @cherished-property has written a lot of wise things, but the wisest is this: “This is not a ‘normal’ relationship.”
@instructor144 has pretty much explained this until I can imagine that he is literally red in the face, both from effort and frustration, because people cannot (or do not want to) understand simple concepts of consent and power exchange. Maybe I can help, because I have watched this go on way too long and, frankly, it is undeserved and completely unwarranted.
Okay, lets break this down into a way that MAYBE all of you people screaming “rape” and “abuse” will understand.
Let’s say you are a professional athlete in a contact sport; football, rugby, boxing, martial arts, anything that involves intentionally coming into contact with another human being in a way that can potentially cause them grievous bodily harm or even death. Even though physical contact of this type is normally against the law during everyday life and could result in an arrest or conviction, whenever you are involved in one of these activities it is allowed because by stepping onto the field or into the ring means both parties are giving their consent, and as long as the rules are followed while in the spaces for these activities, then no matter how badly a person is injured, even if they die from said injuries, then the person that caused them is not held responsible because they have full knowledge of the rules of engagement of the respective sports and have given their complete and utter consent.
With all of this in mind, a man weighing 300+ pounds can plow into someone half his size at full speed with the intent of putting him on the ground. Two people can punch, kick, grapple, and throw each other around a ring knowing that there is definitely going to be injuries caused. As long as those events are going on, they stay within the designated areas for them, and they don’t go outside of the rules that have been presented beforehand, then they are well within rights by causing injury. And here, just like in a power exchange dynamic, things like “I’m not in the mood” or “I don’t feel like it” do not apply. I can guarantee you with absolute certainty that a quarterback does not want to get smashed into by three huge guys running into him like runaway trains. I can say for certain no boxer is in the mood to get his jaw broken or get knocked unconscious, and saying it while they are in the middle of such an activity matters not. But they have signals that they can use to show that they are physically or mentally incapable of participating in them in the first place, or stopping a match because things all of a sudden became too much for them.
In a power exchange, think of a safe word as the same as calling a time out or tapping out or throwing in the towel; it is there to stop it right then and there, immediately and without question. If any unwanted contact is willingly made after that, THEN that is where the rules are broken. Similarly, if one of the participants attacks another outside of the designated time and area, then they can be arrested and charged with assault. The same applies in a D/s relationship; if a submissive uses their safe word, or lets it be known that they are physically or mentally unable to participate in related protocols, duties, or sexual activity, then anything afterward IS abusive and can be considered assault or rape. Outside of these circumstances, then a refusal of “I don’t want to” is seen as an unwillingness to fulfill an obligation, no matter if it is from the Dominant or the submissive. And yes, A Dominant is not exempt from any of this. They can’t just say “I don’t want to take care my sub after we are done” or “I don’t feel like putting in any effort into this scene” just because they aren’t feeling it. Dominants do have to adhere to the preset rules as well.
I hope maybe this little analogy can help to clear up what some people still are not even attempting to give any effort into understanding, but I am not going to hold my breath; after all, the saying that “ignorance is bliss” is the mantra for the lazy, the self-righteous, and the willingly uneducated.
There are far too many people that have to give their opinions on a subject matter that they know little to nothing about, simply because it doesn’t match up with their personal beliefs. But folks, if your argument can be boiled down to “I don’t understand what you’re doing but I know that it’s wrong.” It’s not a very good argument.
“I don’t want to” “I won’t” and “I do not consent” when said about sex mean the same thing in the vanilla world. They don’t in BDSM, because sometimes you’re willing to give your body or your energy even when you aren’t “in the mood” because something other than “the mood” is motivating sex. Asexuals can consent to sex, even though in an allo sense they don’t want it. Same thing here. Our love for our partner allows us to say “I don’t want to, but I consent.”
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MindlessFucktoy 