Hi @bellegirl, thanks so much for the ask/comment about my photo critiques. It’s weird, I don’t set out to be critical per se, but there are times I just can’t help myself. I don’t seek out the ridiculous or dangerous, the pictures just magically appear on my dash.
Generally, I try to find some humor when I add comments. Many folks @chocolateharmonyperson@itsshinycollectordestinyworld@patientlydominant@magpie-69 have joined me in the “fight” to stop improper wearing of garters. I don’t point out the garter issue to be mean, rather to let folks know that ain’t gonna work if you’re doing anything other than being a model in a photo shoot. As a person who learned the garter/stocking/panty lesson the hard way, I feel compelled to spare someone else the same indignity and embarrassment of trying to unhook garters in a public restroom so they can pee. (They came off relatively easily, but there was the panic when I realized I would have to suffocate myself with my boobs pushed to my chin as I bent over in my too-tight corset and tried to hook those buggers back up – all while wearing heels and crying for my fucking reading glasses so I could see those little clasps. I left that restroom sweating, teary-eyed, and out of breath (thank God for drag queens, they saved me!)) I am on a mission to let folks know that as pretty as those garters and stockings look in the pictures, the panties go on over TOP of them.
And let’s talk stockings for a moment! Crusoe loves them. Alas, he’s in love with a woman who is short on one end and built like a Russian powerlifter. Over the knee socks are fine, but stockings are a no go. I could pull them all the way to my navel and they would still roll. That’s okay because I bet stockings roll on most folks (and Crusoe gives me an “A” for effort, even if I didn’t win the genetic lottery.) I just wish folks would be honest about it, or tell us all where to buy the industrial strength glue to hold those suckers in place.
The other pictures or videos I generally comment on because I feel they are unsafe or grossly misleading. No, kneeling in some of those positions is not safe or good for a person’s knees. Tying folks is a SKILL that takes practice. Flogging, spanking, wax play…. These are SKILLS that people (me included) spend thousands of hours practicing. When pictures and videos show people doing it poorly, I can’t help but worry that someone is going to think “I can do that! Look how easy it is.” People get hurt and that scares me. I know that my comments about form aren’t going to stop anyone from doing what they want, but at least I feel like someone might hesitate for a moment. If just one bottom comes home with evenly applied bruises across their ass I will be happy (tops: you must swing from both directions and/or use your non-dominant hand so that your bottom doesn’t have just one bruised ass cheek: symmetry counts.)
Funny porn – we all love that! Take off the socks, put down a sheet, pick up the laundry, don’t cross contaminate in the kitchen. I’m not asking much. I won’t say any more about kitchen porn as I would like to believe that no one believes that a hand dipped in flour actually produces those perfect handprints.
Seriously, I’m on a mission to raise awareness. Here’s an example: you know those gifs of the dude pushing a butt plug in and out of a hairless and airbrushed ass? First – we humans have hair – everywhere, including our chocolate starfish. Wax, razors, and chemicals only do so much and require a shocking amount of upkeep. But mostly, “sexy” inserting and removal of the butt plug is not doing the bottom any favors. All it’s doing is stimulating the need to poop. The inevitable “Code Brown! Code Brown!” and the frantic dash to the bathroom isn’t part of porn perfection. No, that part of the porn shoot is conveniently left out. Meanwhile, folks having their first anal experience are put off because what they are doing doesn’t look like (or feel like) it did in the porn.
Speaking of anal…. Everybody poops. They even wrote a book about it – I read it to my kid (as did every other parent in America.) Yet porn would have us believe that nothing ever comes out of the poop hole during or after anal. Sorry folks, but poop comes out the poop hole, especially when you fill it with goo and stimulate the fuck out of it. Good night. Real life does NOT imitate porn. If I can spare just one bottom the angst that comes with the fucking inevitable then I will have accomplished my mission.
Hell, I yacked all over Crusoe in a failed attempt to be a porn star (again, A for Effort.) He and I have safewords just for emergent bodily functions (Jumpers at the door!)
Damn…. I am on a rant now, and will quit… in a few more lines.
The perfection of porn wears me down.
I was ecstatic yesterday when I saw a woman with visible hair on her arms. Holy shit! How did that make it past the air brush? People have hair, freckles, scars, stretch marks, cellulite, fat, crooked teeth, gray hair, thin hair, you name it, we’ve got it. Is there any chance we could celebrate the real? I know that Tumblr is fantasy, an escape mechanism. But for the love of the folks that actually think subs should look a certain way, that bodies should do certain things, that “if you don’t look like that/do that/endure that” you’re a failure, I will continue to point out the ridiculous, the dangerous, the unachievable, that crosses my dash.
Hopefully, I do with some grace and humor, because we all need a bit more of that in our decidedly perfectly imperfect lives.
Sorry for the meandering ramble @bellegirl I was left unsupervised with the laptop. Go kneel on that mat and make yourself and your Sir happy. Me, I’m going to do the same as my knees can’t take that tile floor 🤷🏻♀️😆
(ps…. this 👆 catastrophe is why no one sends me asks 😆🤪😆🤪😆🤪)
There’s a strange kind of perfection in your torn clothes, symbols of your surrender, your willingness to be exposed on my terms, a beginning of a taking more raw than the romance of the evening hinted at before I reached for the knife.
Ah, the trembling! As the blade slid down each curve, as it cut the cloth like butter and revealed your skin and your fears and the depth of your devotion.
Rules for subs can be a
very fun thing. Or very destructive. It’s just a question of balance
on multiple levels.
The most important thing
is of course: Enforcement.
A rule that isn’t enforced
becomes poison. The sub desires control (the rule) and gets it. Then
they break the rule, either unintentionally or maybe even to test it
and feel the control. Yet nothing happens. With the obvious result
that the submissive feels ignored / abandoned. And just got a big
demonstration that they are indeed not controlled.
Beyond that a rule is also
a routine. Which can be a wonderful thing, routines give certainty
and safety. But like with all routine – too much doesn’t work
either. If you overdo it, there will be the point where it suddenly
flips, and the enjoyment becomes a chore. It becomes something the
sub has to do, not something the sub desires to do for their dom.
Of course you also have to
be able to control if the sub adheres to the rules or not. Not every
rule that sounds fun in a fantasy is really enforceable (or even
practical). Of course this also depends on the dynamic of the
relationship. For example the dom orders the sub never to touch their
genitals. Does the dom trust the sub enough to report any infraction?
Otherwise this is practically non enforceable unless the dom follows
the sub around 24/7. It’s also not practical from a hygiene
standpoint.
It’s something that should
be used in the right dose. Rules only work if you enforce them, and
that can become a chore for the dom and destroy their fun in it too
if you overdo it. So keep the right balance. Reduce it to some simple
rules.
And keep in mind that you
can also set up rules that only apply to certain (kinky) situations.
Maybe a high protocol rule set.
Pour mes lecteurs francophones, la traduction de ce texte (Texte original : @vivehypno).
L’équilibre des règles.
Les règles pour les soumises peuvent être quelque chose de très amusant. Ou de vraiment destructeur. C’est juste une question d’équilibre à plusieurs niveaux.
La chose la plus importante est bien entendu : leur mise en application.
Une règle qui n’est pas mise en application devient un poison. La soumise désire le contrôle (la règle) et l’obtient. Puis elle contrevient à la règle, de manière non intentionnelle, voire pour la tester et sentir le contrôle. Et là, rien ne se passe. Avec comme résultat évident que la soumise se sente ignorée / abandonnée. Et surtout la preuve indéniable qu’elle n’est manifestement pas contrôlée.
Derrière cette règle, il y a également une routine. Qui peut être une chose merveilleuse, les habitudes procurent de la certitude et la sécurité. Mais comme toutes les habitudes – trop de routine ne fonctionnera pas non plus. Si vous en faites trop, il arrivera un moment où les choses vont se dégrader, et le plaisir devenir une corvée. Cela devient une tâche que la soumise doit faire, et plus quelque chose qu’elle désire faire pour son dominant.
Bien sûr vous devrez également vous assurer que la soumise adhère aux règles ou non. Bien des règles qui semblent amusantes dans les fantasmes ne sont pas vraiment applicables (ni mêmes pratiques). Bien sûr cela dépend également de la dynamique de la relation. Par exemple, le dominant interdit à la soumise de toucher ses parties génitales. Est-ce que le dominant fait assez confiance à sa soumise pour lui rendre compte de toutes les infractions ? Dans le cas contraire, cette règle est pratiquement non applicable à moins que le dominant soit sur le dos de sa soumise 24/7. Ce n’est par ailleurs pas pratique non plus d’un point de vue hygiénique.
C’est quelque chose qui doit être utilisé avec modération. Les règles ne fontionnent que si vous les mettez en application, et cela peut devenir une corvée pour le dominant et gâcher également leur plaisir si vous en demandez trop. Alors, conservez le bon équilibre. Réduisez les à quelques règles simples.
Et gardez à l’esprit que vous pouvez également définir un certain nombre de règles qui ne s’appliquent que dans certaines situations (kinky). Peut être un set de règles de protocole renforcé.
This right here. ^^^ The money shot: “something other than “the mood” is motivating sex.” In the D/s world, saying “I’m not in the mood for X” (with X being any aspect of the dynamic, not just sex) is not withdrawing consent. Using one’s safeword (in any aspect of the dynamic, not just sex) is withdrawing consent. And it is an unconditional and non negotiable withdrawal of consent.
There are few things more tedious than some random tourist from the vanilla side of the tracks wandering into the D/s world and trying to school the inhabitants on how D/s should work the same as things work in vanilla relationships. My friend @cherished-property has written a lot of wise things, but the wisest is this: “This is not a ‘normal’ relationship.”
@instructor144 has pretty much explained this until I can imagine that he is literally red in the face, both from effort and frustration, because people cannot (or do not want to) understand simple concepts of consent and power exchange. Maybe I can help, because I have watched this go on way too long and, frankly, it is undeserved and completely unwarranted.
Okay, lets break this down into a way that MAYBE all of you people screaming “rape” and “abuse” will understand.
Let’s say you are a professional athlete in a contact sport; football, rugby, boxing, martial arts, anything that involves intentionally coming into contact with another human being in a way that can potentially cause them grievous bodily harm or even death. Even though physical contact of this type is normally against the law during everyday life and could result in an arrest or conviction, whenever you are involved in one of these activities it is allowed because by stepping onto the field or into the ring means both parties are giving their consent, and as long as the rules are followed while in the spaces for these activities, then no matter how badly a person is injured, even if they die from said injuries, then the person that caused them is not held responsible because they have full knowledge of the rules of engagement of the respective sports and have given their complete and utter consent.
With all of this in mind, a man weighing 300+ pounds can plow into someone half his size at full speed with the intent of putting him on the ground. Two people can punch, kick, grapple, and throw each other around a ring knowing that there is definitely going to be injuries caused. As long as those events are going on, they stay within the designated areas for them, and they don’t go outside of the rules that have been presented beforehand, then they are well within rights by causing injury. And here, just like in a power exchange dynamic, things like “I’m not in the mood” or “I don’t feel like it” do not apply. I can guarantee you with absolute certainty that a quarterback does not want to get smashed into by three huge guys running into him like runaway trains. I can say for certain no boxer is in the mood to get his jaw broken or get knocked unconscious, and saying it while they are in the middle of such an activity matters not. But they have signals that they can use to show that they are physically or mentally incapable of participating in them in the first place, or stopping a match because things all of a sudden became too much for them.
In a power exchange, think of a safe word as the same as calling a time out or tapping out or throwing in the towel; it is there to stop it right then and there, immediately and without question. If any unwanted contact is willingly made after that, THEN that is where the rules are broken. Similarly, if one of the participants attacks another outside of the designated time and area, then they can be arrested and charged with assault. The same applies in a D/s relationship; if a submissive uses their safe word, or lets it be known that they are physically or mentally unable to participate in related protocols, duties, or sexual activity, then anything afterward IS abusive and can be considered assault or rape. Outside of these circumstances, then a refusal of “I don’t want to” is seen as an unwillingness to fulfill an obligation, no matter if it is from the Dominant or the submissive. And yes, A Dominant is not exempt from any of this. They can’t just say “I don’t want to take care my sub after we are done” or “I don’t feel like putting in any effort into this scene” just because they aren’t feeling it. Dominants do have to adhere to the preset rules as well.
I hope maybe this little analogy can help to clear up what some people still are not even attempting to give any effort into understanding, but I am not going to hold my breath; after all, the saying that “ignorance is bliss” is the mantra for the lazy, the self-righteous, and the willingly uneducated.
There are far too many people that have to give their opinions on a subject matter that they know little to nothing about, simply because it doesn’t match up with their personal beliefs. But folks, if your argument can be boiled down to “I don’t understand what you’re doing but I know that it’s wrong.” It’s not a very good argument.
Recently I’ve had conversations with three separate submissives, all in the same vein of conversation: the desire to talk to their Dominant/Daddy/Sir/Master about things that aren’t working in their relationship or dynamic, and their fear that it won’t be received well.
In fact, all three of them have expressed a legitimate concern that they would actually lose their dynamic if they voiced their concerns to their Dominant partner.
This, to me, is a red flag.
Dominance and submission is, as I have said before, a dance. It is a power exchange. Note the use of that word: exchange. Give and take. Push and pull. Left and right. Lead and follow.
Something has to be given to be taken, and when a facet is missing, the dance is a stumble, a drag, a collapse. And someone ends up being dragged across the floor on their face, bleeding and frightened.
{This can apply to any part of the power exchange, of course, but as a submissive myself, I’m addressing specifically when it happens to us.}
I have heard “dominants” express the following: “asking me to make changes or telling me you don’t like how I’m handling things is topping from the bottom and it’s a sign of a poor submissive.”
No. Wrong. Try again.
Topping from the bottom is when a submissive uses manipulation to get what they want from their Dominant. It is a method of dishonesty and one I find appalling.
But attempting to sit down with their Dominant and lay out needs, desires, fears, and concerns about the dynamic and what needs to change for their own mental/physical/emotional health as a person and as a submissive? That is not “topping from the bottom.” That is called being in a relationship. That is called being a human being who is exchanging their power and who deserves a great deal of care and keeping to make sure that this exchange does not turn into abuse.
I am one to believe that emotional abuse happens in D/s relationships almost more than physical abuse. There doesn’t tend to be a safe word when emotional lines are crossed, when submissives are left feeling alone or silenced because “that’s how it works.” And maybe there should be.
This is why I am a huge supporter of meta talks, of Dominants and submissives sitting down (as Sir and R, not just as T— and R—-) and working out questions, thoughts, and concerns in a non-scene but still D/s mentality.
Dominants: your submissive is giving a massive part of themselves to you. You are opening doors that very few people, if any, ever get to open. You are witness to emotions, desires, feelings, and fears that may never have seen the light of day before you entered their lives.
You cannot silence them because you are the boss. That turns you into an abuser, not a Dominant. That strips your authority and your footing away and shows you as an insecure manipulator using the power you have over this person to get your way despite what emotion wreckage is lingering under the surface.
Submissives: your Dominant has to hear from you. They are not mind-readers. They are not psychic. You have to share your heart when they ask to hear it. If you are in a situation where you are terrified that you will lose the relationship or that they will react in physical or emotional anger or intimidation over your need to be heard? That is a red flag that cannot must not must never be ignored.
Power exchanges require word exchanges.
Power exchanges require emotional work.
Power exchanges require talking, listening, communication, sharing, openness, and trust.
Without those things?
You’re just a big man with a stick standing over a frightened little girl.
Pour mes lecteurs francophones, la traduction de ce texte (Texte original : @thetriskeliondiaries).
J’ai eu récemment des conversations avec trois soumises différentes : toutes portant sur le même thème : le désir de parler à leur Dominant/Daddy/Monsieur/Maître à propos de choses qui ne fonctionnaient pas dans leur relation ou leur dynamique, et leur crainte que leur message soit mal perçu.
En fait, toutes les trois exprimaient une appréhension légitime tenant au fait qu’elles perdraient leur dynamique si elles faisaient part de leurs problématiques à leur partenaire dominant.
C’est, pour moi, un signal d’alarme.
La domination et la soumission sont, comme j’ai déjà pu le dire auparavant, une danse. C’est un échange de pouvoir. Notez l’utilisation de ce mot : échange. Donner et Prendre. Pousser et tirer. Gauche et droite. Diriger et suivre.
Quelque chose doit être donné pour être pris, et quand une des facettes manque, la danse est une titubation, quelque chose que l’on traîne, une chute. Et quelqu’un finit par être trainé sur le sol face contre terre, ensanglanté et apeuré.
(Cela peut s’appliquer des deux côtés de l’échange de pouvoir, évidemment, mais en tant que soumise moi-même, je ne traite ici que du cas où cela nous arrive à nous.)
J’ai entendu des “dominants” exprimer la chose suivante :
“Me demander de procéder à des changements ou me dire que vous n’appréciez pas la manière dont je gère les choses, c’est de la soumination et cela révèle une mauvaise soumise.”
Non. Faux. Essaie encore.
La soumination c’est quand la soumise utilise la manipulation pour obtenir ce qu’elle veut du Dominant. C’est une méthode malhonnête et que je trouve épouvantable.
Mais essayer de s’asseoir avec le Dominant et exposer ses besoins, ses désirs, ses craintes, et les problématiques relatives à la dynamique et ce qui doit changer pour sa propre santé mentale/physique/émotionnelle en tant que personne et en tant que soumise ? Ce n’est pas de la “soumination”. C’est ce qu’on appelle avoir une relation. C’est ce qu’on appelle être un être humain qui échange son pouvoir et qui mérite beaucoup d’attention et qui s’assure que l’échange ne se transforme pas en abus.
Je suis de ceux qui pensent que les abus émotionnels sont plus fréquents dans une relation D/s que les abus physiques. Il ne semble pas y avoir de safeword quand les limites émotionnelles sont franchies, quand les soumises sont laissées seules et silencieuses parce que “ça doit être ainsi”. Et peut être devrait-il y en avoir.
C’est pourquoi je défends bec et ongles les méta-conversation, où Dominant et soumise s’asseoient (comme Monsieur et R., et pas uniquement comme T. et R.) et travaillent sur certaines questions, pensées, et problématiques en dehors d’une session mais toujours dans l’esprit D/s.
Dominants : votre soumise vous donne une grosse partie d’elle-même. Vous ouvrez des portes que peu de personnes, si ce n’est personne, n’ouvrira jamais. Vous êtes les témoins d’émotions, de désirs, de sentiments, de craintes qui peut être ne se sont jamais exprimées avant que vous ne soyez entré dans leur vie.
Vous ne pouvez pas les faire taire parce que vous êtes le patron. Cela fait de vous un abuseur, et non un Dominant. Cela vous fait perdre votre autorité et votre appui et vous fait apparaître comme un manipulateur pervers utilisant le pouvoir que vous avez sur cette personne pour faire ce vous avez envie au mépris du désastre émotionnel qui se joue sous de la surface.
Soumises : votre Dominant doit vous entendre. Ils ne lisent pas dans votre esprit. Ils ne sont pas mediums. Vous devez partager ce que vous avez sur le coeur quand ils demandent à l’entendre [note de la traductrice : et à chaque fois que vous en ressentez le besoin]. Si vous êtes dans une situation où vous craignez de perdre la relation ou qu’ils vont réagir violemment, avec colère ou user d’intimidation face à votre besoin d’être entendue ? C’est un signal d’alarme qui ne doit pas être ignoré.
Les échanges de pouvoir nécessitent des discussions.
Les échanges de pouvoir nécessitent un travail émotionnel.
Les échanges de pouvoir nécessitent de parler, d’écouter, de la communication, du partage, de l’ouverture et de la confiance.
Sans cela ?
Vous êtes juste un homme avec un bâton au dessus d’une petite fille apeurée.
That obvious desire to cover up, stopped only by her stronger desire to please.
I imagine her face is blushing furiously, biting her lower lip, desperate to cover herself, to run away, but no, there she stands, doing as she is told.
Their session had been long and intense. He had pushed her hard that night and her body had reacted to him, responded to him so thoroughly and completely. By the time they had finished, she was wracked with exhaustion, her body aching in the most beautiful way. He leaned in to her and whispered into her ear, “My turn to serve you, love.”
He had filled up the tub with water for her. He scooped her up off the bed in one swift motion and carried her to the bathroom, her arms draped around his neck as he kissed her forehead softly. “My good girl”, he said softly to her, as she let out a soft sigh.
Entering the bathroom he took her to the tub, gently placing her in, before sliding in behind her, his legs wide around her body. He gently took a small pitcher and filled it with warm water from the tub faucet and poured it gently over her head, stroking her hair softly. “Mine”, he said, his voice right in her ear as he took the shampoo, gently massaging her scalp, taking the shampoo and slowly working it into her hair. He washed her hair lovingly and slowly, taking his time to take care of her. He took the soap and massaged it into her skin, lathering her body, the water becoming sudsy from the soap mixing into it.
She closed her eyes as his hands gradually made their way all over her, washing her and massaging her. He talked to her and they made light conversation, nothing too serious as the hour was late and they were both tired. When he had finished, he helped her out of the tub and dried her off, helping her into her pajamas. They got into bed, as she moved into her familiar spot, her head gently laying on his chest, their legs slowly intertwining. He kissed her forehead again as their lips then came together, soft gentle kisses between them. Their eyes each grew heavy as he held her tightly against him. “Mine”, he whispered against her ear as they drifted off to sleep. The last words were hers, as she fell into a deep sleep.
MindlessFucktoy 